Monday, September 1, 2014

Letting Go

I couldn't understand why I was feeling so depressed these last few days despite waking up every morning with this profound sense of peace. But then it hit me as I was reading a passage of text from my Al-Anon literature that read: 

"The feelings aroused when [...] a whole new way of life is adopted can be overpowering. We may experience tremendous fear, [...] guilt or depression. Change, even wonderful, positive change, almost always involves some kind of grief for the old way of life we are letting go, even if that way of life kept is miserable." 

I didn't realize I was grieving until I read this, and it all made sense. I get like this anytime major changes happen in my life... Like every time I ever graduated, and the time I opened my first bank account. Um, yah, my dad thought I was being ridiculous, lol. 

Friday, August 29, 2014

Pomodoro Time-Management Technique

First heard about it from James Clear. Then again via Matt Hussey earlier this week at his lifestyle retreat event in San Diego. It's a time-management technique the requires the use of a timer and breaking up your time into 25 minute segments followed by short five minute breaks. Been trying it out all day. The idea behind this time-management strategy is that frequent breaks can improve your mental agility. I'm not really sure how it's working out so far, but I feel like I'm accomplishing a lot. I'm probably not.... here's the break down so far since I got back home from the retreat around 10 or 10:30 this morning.

25 minutes - clearing out suitcase
25 minutes - still clearing out suitecase. I was in a state of flow and didn't want to break it.
25 minutes - re-packing suitcase
15 minutes - declared break, but really I just kept going
25 minutes - emptied and organized purse and paperwork
5 minutes - declared break, but I really just started doing laundry
25 minutes - took a shower, checked on laundry, got dressed for the day
5 minute - declared break but really I put laundry in the dryer and moved shit I want to get rid of to my car
25 minutes - waited for laundry to dry while tidying things up, folding laundry and then headed to my dad's
5 minute - declared break but really I was already in commute at that point
25 minutes - arrived at dad's and shared with him my experience at the retreat
15 minutes - didn't time this, but finished up convo with dad and got my laptop set up
15 minutes - started texting with my friend Abbie and talked to dad a little more
25 minutes - continued text convo with Abbie, while adding batting cage story to my website portfolio
25 minutes - finished adding batting cage story to website and promoted via social media
15 minutes - took a break to ready 11 pages of "Made to Stick"
25 minutes - edited one sentence for a freelance editorial opportunity; need to complete the test
5 minutes - checked OKCupid profile and Facebook
5 minutes - was in a state of flow, so checked two of my credit balances
5 minutes - still in a state of flow, so checked one more credit balance and three of my bank accounts
15 minutes - signed up for Venmo, added bank/card info and made rent payment to landlord
5 minutes - blogging about my Pomodoro efforts
5 minutes - kept blogging, wasn't done
5 minutes - needed 5 more minutes to finish

It's almost 5 p.m. Time for a real break. Maybe I will go for a walk around the block.

30 minutes - took a break to walk around the block
25 minutes - worked on editing test while watching Avatar on TV
25 minutes - worked on editing test while watching Avatar on TV
25 minutes - same as above.... I'd probably have been done by now if the TV wasn't on.
5 minutes - worked on edits for one last line
10 minutes - needed more time for above.

It's now 7 p.m. Now would be a good time to stop by Goodwill to donate all my books.

Thursday, August 21, 2014

Looking Back

Reading through some of my old poetry from back in the day... Please tell me not all writers are tortured souls, lol. Everything I wrote as a teen was so emo, it's crazy to read. #feelingtortured?

Sunday, August 17, 2014


Spoke to Max yesterday after breaking the 30-day no contact rule. I'm pretty sure Max would have had slightly less respect for me if I actually went 30 days without contacting him or trying to check in. My own point was proven when he texted me back in response to my private he shared with him and only him Facebook post. I wanted him to know that I still cared about him. He thought it was sweet, but said he had been wondering why I never called to check in on him after I left that night and asked me if my love and devotion to him was genuine or the byproduct of loneliness and me wanting something I can't have even more. He thought my feelings might have been different if he had stayed. 

I called him because it was too much to say via text. We ended up talking on the phone for over an hour after I told him I was scared, I didn't know what to do or say that wouldn't antagonize or push him away, and that distancing myself was the last thing I wanted to do. I wanted to give him space  to cool off. He didn't seem to want to talk about that night... He sent me home. So I thought he would reach out to me when he was ready. Instead, he left. 

I've been lonely my whole life. But I use social media and attend Meetup groups to fill that void. Otherwise, I don't mind the loneliness. Solitude can be a good thing. 

My love and devotion doesn't come from being lonely. Or wanting something I can't have. No, not it all. It comes from my heart. I rarely fall in love, but when I do, my love runs deep. It took me towards the end to really admit it out loud , but I did feel it. I "L" you I told him one night after I was admiring him from across the room and it suddenly hit me that I was falling in love with him. It's the kind of falling in love I've always wanted... It happened naturally and organically

We spoke forever, and I felt so relieved to hear is voice and to hear him being so proactive about his recovery. My heart felt more at ease once we talked. Communication is soooooooo important to me in a relationship. And I am do lucky that Max is an expressive guy with a warm heart to everyone he meets.

Even though I was glad to hear he was doing okay, despite the whole being a bum thing, I still haven't been able to sleep very well since he went away. I can't help but worry about the guy. But it's hard to keep crying now that explanations have been had. I can't stop thinking about him. I knew I was falling in love when he was the first person I thought of when I woke up in the morning and the last person when I went to sleep.

Sending positive vibes and lots of love his way. I believe in him. I have faith that he will accomplish anything he sets his mind to... Including 30-60 days of sobriety. I'm doing it with him too. 

Friday, August 15, 2014

My heart is in Portland now.... Will I ever get it back?

I can't sleep. I haven't been able to get a decent night's sleep since he went away. 

I keep reading his email over and over again trying to decipher if he really meant what he said on the phone, that it was really over and that he never wanted to get back with me ever again. 

It's not really over for me, which makes things as agonizing as it was for me when Kyle and I broke up. I had hope. I still have hope. 

But hope sucks, sometimes. It disappoints, sometimes. I can't believe he's really gone from my life. 

I miss his warm embrace. I miss his voice. I miss his hugs. I miss his jokes. I miss is cynicism. I miss everything about him. The thought of him moving on from me like I meant nothing to him pains me. Will he still even love me in a month? 

I know he's not perfect. But he was perfectly imperfect for me. He doesn't know it yet, but I'm perfectly imperfect for him too. I truly believe that we are meant to be together. I really do. I knew it, and I think maybe he is scared of it given his family issues.

I think I would sleep so much better knowing this was all temporary for him too. Knowing that he still wanted to be with me, but couldn't until he figured things out. Knowing that he would come back, at least for me so we could go away together like we always said we would as soon as my job contract was up. But I still think he blames me for what happened, and that's why he can't talk to me. I will always remind him of that dreadful night, and that is what pains me the most. 

My heart went to Portland and there is nothing I can do about it. Will I ever get it back? I can't stop thinking about him. Everytime I stop, the tears start to flow.

Thursday, August 14, 2014

Three days of tears

I was such an emotional wreck yesterday that I took a personal day from work to get myself together. I figured I'd take care of a traffic ticket that I was going to have to take a day off for anyway since the only way to pay for it was in person. I made plans to see my friend Abigail because I didn't want to be alone. I just needed someone to talk to. I was still crying when she found me waiting for her on her doorsteps. It helped having a friend just being there to listen to me while I grieved. I don't think she's ever seen me that way, but she was the first person I thought of to reach out to because I knew I would slip into a deep depression if I didn't reach out to someone. She has always been one of the few people who checks in on me from time to time, knowing I'm predisposed to withdraw from people when I'm depressed. I'm really glad she was there for me. I still went home and cried myself to sleep.

I cried more when I woke up, and while I was driving to work, I decided that I would hate Max. That hating him would make the break up easier for me to deal with. So I cried in the car like I was dying, repeating "I hate you!" even though in my heart felt differently. Because I didn't understand what happened, I told myself that he was psychopath with self-esteem so low that he had to prey on vulnerable women like me, seduce them and make them fall in love with him before dumping them when he realized it wasn't enough to satisfy his ego. I held it together for the most part while I was at work.

But as soon as it was time for lunch, I broke down in tears like I was dying again and kept telling myself that I hated him. I asked God why he would bring someone into my life like that and just take them away from me like that. I asked what lessons in life have I not yet learned to go through this all over again. I prayed that God would keep him safe. And then I went back to hating him. My friend says that I'm grieving. Yesterday, I wanted isolate myself from the world. Today, I wanted to hate him for playing me for such a fool, for leading me on, for pretending he loved me and then leave like I meant nothing to him. Only a psychopath could do that without any remorse. Was our whole relationship a lie?

Then I got an email from him by the end of my lunch break while I was trying to compose myself again before walking back into the office. It was the answer I never got that night when I asked him, "Where did that come from?" While I am proud of him for taking ownership of his problem and getting involved with AA, I am still so incredibly heartbroken that he had to shut me out too. I would have supported him through this. I would have gone through all 12 steps with him. Just like I drove Kyle to all of his AA meetings when he got his DUI at the beginning of our relationship, and I drove him wherever he needed to go the year he had his license revoked. It was toward the beginning of our relationship, and he thought I would break up with him, but I'm not that kind of person. My loyalty runs deep when it comes to my friendships and relationships. I just wish Max could have seen that. All he had to do was grab me by my shoulders, look dead straight in the eye and tell me, I seriously want to stop drinking. If you see a drink, please take it out of my hand. Get rid of it. Please. And I would have. Just like when girls are getting over a break up and we don't want to text the ex so we enlist the aid of our friends to take our phone from us the minute they see us texting the ex.

I wish he didn't have to shut me out of all people. The one person in LA that still cares about him. I just don't get how he could just throw away what we had like that.

Another broken heart, another lost love

I never thought I would feel like this again. But then again, I never thought I'd fall in love again. And here I am, experiencing the same traumatic heartbreak that broke me back in 2006 when I left Kyle for his drug abuse. A year later, Kyle died. I really hope that Max figures things out. I also hope that he doesn't die.

I signed up for the Text Your Ex Back program. I needed to do SOMETHING to help me through this breakup. I might not ever get him back, but I can still hope and pray that he finds his way back to me once he becomes more of the man I know he wants to be, but thinks he's not predisposed to becoming. He just needs to shift his thinking a bit. He's a smart guy with a slight flaw in his logic, it seems. But I know it's not something he can't work out on his own with a little hard work, willpower and effort I know in my heart resides inside him.

As part of the TXB program, there's an introduction page where everyone introduces themselves. Here is my introduction:

Hi. My name is Niki. I don’t even know where to begin. Sigh. After 6 months of dating, my boyfriend and I had just gotten to the point in our relationship where we were saying the L word to each other. Then one day, after a fun weekend together and a lovely Monday evening staying in, he had a mental break down the resulted in a falling out with his family while his dying dad was in the hospital. The next day he called to tell me that he was no longer welcome at his parents’, this his life was over so he was skipping town and never coming back. He told me he loved me and said goodbye. My heart fell to the floor. I was worried about him saying his life was over, so I called him later after work to check in on him. He called me back telling me it was really over, that he never wanted to get back together, and that he never wanted to see or talk to me ever again because of the role I played in what happened. He said he wasn’t mad at me, but that I should have known better because he had a slight drinking problem. I just didn’t realize it was as serious as it was because most alcoholics don’t know they have a problem. I was his enabler, and I feel like it’s all my fault. He said that if I really cared about him, I would do him the favor of never contacting him ever again and would let him start his life over with a fresh start… without me. I was devastated because I had just come to terms with the fact that I loved this man, and I wanted to be there for him and support him… even if it meant going to AA meetings with him, and helping him get sober. If he would have asked me to help him not drink, I would have. But he never did. He’d always say he wanted to stop, but then the next day he’d be drinking again. How could I take him seriously with his laissez faire attitude about life. It took a violent outburst for him (and I) to realize the severity of his drinking problem. But he didn’t want to talk to me about where that came from. Instead he left. It took me by complete surprise. One minute we were getting ready to spend the night together at his parents’ house while they were spending the night in the hospital, and the next minute I can hear him in the other room slamming doors, punching walls and breaking things. It was scary because I had never seen him like that before. This same man who wouldn’t hurt a fly or kill a spider for me. For several hours right before this outburst happened, he was so loving and caring with me. We were talking about special our relationship was, how much we loved spending time together, how we lucked out finding each other and reaffirming that we loved each other. I remember him saying “we love each other” which was kind of a big deal for me because it was the first time I had really heard him refer to us as a “we” in that way. I know he was going through a lot, worried about the shifting dynamics of his family life without his father around. But I just don’t understand what happened, and how he could leave behind people he loves like that. I’m just so heartbroken and devastated because things we going so good, but I get that he needs to get away so he can get sober. I’m just not sure if he can really do it alone. I wanted to be his rock, if only he would have let me. Maybe it was too much for him. The dying dad, falling in love. I’m so heartbroken and decided to do this program to help me get through it. But I’m just praying to God that he figures things out and finds his way back to me. We had such a great thing going. We had a great, fun, open and honest amazing relationship together. It was beautiful. Being with him was the highlight of my day. He brought so much joy and laughter into my life. And now he’s gone.

I can beat this breakup till it's black and blue. I keep replaying everything in my head over and over wishing I could have done things differently. I feel like a zombie again.