I feel burnt out. Or is it burned out? I don't really have the time to look it up. It's been really hard managing my workload... My personal projects and my client projects on top of full-time work. I love my job, but I hate the hours. I hate writing in such drab lighting. I get the overhead lighting is bad for the eyes when you're staring at a computer screen, but I need more natural sunlight. I need more openness of space. I really miss my usually writing spot in Redondo Beach at Coffee Cartel.
Maybe I'm homesick. The thing is, I don't really have a home. At least not one I can call my own anyway. I'm still sleeping on my dad's couch in his living room. Sometimes the backseat of my car when I want to fall asleep at 10pm but people are using the living room or kitchen and their shooting the shit late into the evening. I've been spending a lot of nights at my boyfriend's house, but it's only a matter of time before that situation ends, and he too won't have a home to call his own. But he's more of a nomad then I'll ever be. I admire him for that.
I probably make enough now to get my own place, but I'm too afraid to commit to anything long term, out of fear of having the rug slipped out from right underneath me. It always happens. It's inevitable.
But I heard a quote last night that really moved me.
"It's in the valley of failure that we sow our seeds of success."
I can't wait to go to the Matthew Hussey retreat. Which reminds me, I need to make another lump sum payment now that I got paid from one of my clients.
Here's to another day of learning how to manage my life with a routine. Whether it lasts or not, that is the biggest lesson life needed to teach me if I am ever to have a shot at reaching my personal goals. It's good to set a standard for myself.