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Friday, September 19, 2014

inevitable loss

Max called me last night about a quarter before 10 p.m. I had been sleeping when I got the call. I wasn't expecting to hear from him anytime soon, at least not since the last time I spoke. I keep thinking he'll go 30 days without calling me, and that would make it a whole lot easier for me to get over him and move on because I just don't have the strength to fight my impulses when it comes to people I care about. Anyway, he called me last night to tell me his dad had died the night before. I told him I was sorry for his loss and asked if he was okay. He said he was okay, but that it hasn't really sunk in yet either. He said it felt very surreal because he had been waiting for this day to finally come. It was inevitable. Told me he was coming home sooner than expected to make arrangements, but that he didn't see himself sticking around long either. It breaks my heart to hear him sound so unsure about his future. I wish I could help him come out of this funk he has been going through, but I know all too well how the funks go. I've been there myself and sometimes the only way through it is, well, through it.

Does size really matter? In tech, it does.

In the tech industry, size has always been an issue. In 1973, when Martin Cooper invented the first cell phone, it was the size of a brick. Two decades later, Motorola invented the first flip phone in 1996, which is about as small as a cell phone gets. (By all means, prove me wrong; I didn't look that hard). Now consumers want bigger screens. Smaller, bigger... what's the right size?

Does size matter to you? Would you rather have a bigger screen or the capacity to hold more data on your mobile device? What's that I hear in the distance as I write this... oh, there's been a line at the mall for the new iPhone since 5pm last night. Moving on with my life now....

New York Times article about Apple's big weekend: http://goo.gl/qBHCoQ

Wednesday, September 17, 2014

Love is making its way back home

i'm sitting in Starbucks at 6am and there's this song playing in the background.... and the chorus stuck out to me by way of reptition:

love is making its way back home

coincidentally, max called me last night to tell me he wouldn't be in Portland when I got there. Said he was coming back to LA to see his dad before his birthday on Oct. 14. sad he wants to live on the road and doesn't need anyone or anything to make him happy. i tried not to take it personally because i shouldn't and i know it.

i guess the irony in all this is that feelings of love are what inspired to buy a one way ticket to Porland with a plan to earn my way back home. i wanted to follow my heart in hopes that it would lead me to everywhere i want to go and everyone i want to meet. now, my heart is making its way back home.

i feel like my entire life has been nothing but one unrequited love after another. because that is what every breakup feels like. our own morbid version of romeo and juliet.

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Let the magic flow

Been waking up at around 4am every morning ever since I got back from the Matthew Hussey retreat. It doesn't matter how depressed I might be feeling, I'm still getting up. I got to Starbucks by 5am this morning. This is insane to me. It's like something clicked in my brain and life is just too short to be sleeping away your problems. I need to feel like I'm DOING something. ANYTHING. For me, it's writing. I need to live, eat and breathe writing. I need to express myself. I need to let the magic flow from my fingertips because if I don't, I think I just might die.

I hate having a plan because then I always get disappointed when things don't always go according to plan. But that isn't really the point of a plan, or so I have been told. The point of a plan is so that you are better prepared when things don't go according to plan. I'm pretty sure I've written about this very thing like a year ago.

Which leads me to the topic of content marketing. I need a strategic content plan to achieve my goals, but I need to get clear on my goals first. So that is what this blog is going to be for. It's the place I will go when I need clarity. It's the place where I will turn to when I need help making sense of my nonsense and gibberish. Sometimes, I just need to talk or write it out so I can get into a flow state.

Is Google bribing Blogger users to stay?

This morning I noticed an interesting discrepancy between Google Analytics and Blogger dashboard statistics. According to Blogger, my "private" blog has 72 Pageviews on Sept. 14. According to Analytics, I only had 4 Pageviews that same day. Which set of statistics are more accurate? Is this Google's way of incentivising the usage of Bloggers versus Wordpress as a platform? Considering most websites use WordPress because of its friendly user interface, it would make sense that Google would (not provide) some data in Analytics for their own gain. Maybe I'm just in a blogging conspiracy kind of mood, but it is worth something to think about.

Sorry, Google, but I'm still a Wordpress girl. I highly doubt this amateur blog gets as much traffic as my Blogger analytics say I do.

Monday, September 15, 2014

The Numbers Game

This morning, I posed this question to my Facebook friends with the associated emotion of feeling defeated:

How much free work do you have to do before getting paid? I thought five years would be enough, but apparently it is never enough in today's economy. People are still looking for free or cheap labor and it frustrates the hell out of me. And bartering does not pay the bills....

to which my dear friend Heather responded with:

I ran into this time and again early on. Now I never do. Why? Two beautiful letters. "No." Say no, outright and without apology.

Then your message to the world becomes "I add enough value to always be compensated for my work," rather than "I'm desperate enough to lower my standards for the slight chance of getting paid."

Just say no. Those aren't the people you want to work with anyway but until you clear them out of your space 100%, you won't meet the right ones.

She's totally right, which is why I started saying no to what used to have been ideal opportunities had it not been for Matthew Hussey's retreat coupled with my lovely experience working on the content team for Bruce Clay, Inc. Together, these experience helped me achieve an enlightening transformation that made me see myself through a different lens, the lens of my future self. That probably sounds crazy, I know, but it's hard to explain it. There are no words that would do justice to the nature of this transformation, one I had long been seeking for years, nearly a decade.

The irony of all this is that the real question, I suppose, isn't how much free work I have to do before getting paid but instead, how many times must I say no to bad opportunities before I'll have the chance to say to an amazing opportunity. I've lost amazing opportunities because I was too busy working on shitty ones.

How many phones calls does it take to make a sale?
How many people do you have to ask before someone will say yes?
How many doors do you have to knock on before someone will invite you in?
How many bad opportunities will I turn away before a good one will come my way.

This is what I ended up writing back to Heather:

You're totally right, Heather, which is exactly why I started saying no a couple weeks ago. I've had to say no three potential opportunities so far because of a misalignment in values and priorities. This will be the fourth no in two weeks.

The irony of all it all is that I'm the one saying having to say no. I guess I thought this would feel a little more empowering. Unfortunately, we live in a values-based economy. "Give me your email, then I'll give you something equally as valuable in return," or "Do this for me first, then maybe I'll do something for you in exchange."

How does one compete? I need help understanding the fallacy in my think. I get that there are risks when working independently. But at what point do those risks become downright careless when you've got to put a roof over your head and food on your plate?

I have the luxury of saying no NOW, but my fear is saying no when I no longer have that luxury in about 30 days.

Saturday, September 6, 2014

Qualifying Dating Questions from Steve Harvey and Lisa Kudrow

I've been waking up at around 4 a.m. every morning for the past week. I'm exhausted by the time 9 or 10 rolls around. At least writing is becoming more of a habit. It's only for one hour or so every morning and sometimes about a half hour during lunch. There's just so much I feel like I have to say and not enough time to say it all ... but that's why I invested in a digital voice recorder. Yah, I need to get on that.

So I was trying to find this quote by Lisa Kudrow's character from a movie about a widow trying to move on with her life with the help of her late husband. It was a series of qualifying questions she'd ask every guy to avoid wasting her time on the wrong men. I wish I could remember the name of the movie, but in the process of searching I came across this video from Steve Harvey and thought it was worth sharing.

If Max ever tries to weasel his way back into my life again, after disappearing on me for an indefinite period of time, I'm going to ask him these questions first to avoid wasting more time than I've already invested in him.
  • What are your short-term goals?
  • What are your long-term goals?
  • What are your views on relationships? (With his mom?)
  • What do you think about me?
  • How do you feel about me?
I came across this idea from a Steve Harvey video that came up on my search.



I remember the movie now after looking it up on Kudrow's IMDB profile. It was from P.S. I Love You with Hilary Swank and Gerard Butler. Her questions go something like this:

  • Are you single?
  • Are you gay?
  • Are you working?

Here's the video for that one: