More importantly, what would happen if you didn’t?

In my last post, I wrote about what gets in the way. The default answer is usually not having time, money or energy. When I’m honest with myself, the real answer is fear. I specifically mentioned a fear of wasting my time, but if I overcame that fear, a new fear would likely emerge. And I’m sure I could come up with fear after fear after fear to avoid confronting a deeper truth.

If I were to overcome the obstacle of fear itself, in whatever form it may take, what then would I be left with to fill the void that remains before it sucks back in yet another fear? I think I’d be left with passion and with enough passion, I think courage is a natural byproduct.

If I were less concerned about wasting my time, then I would be fueled by a passion to help other save themselves time lost in their own heartbreak and grief, stuck in a web of self-destruction.

In fact, that’s what started my whole career. I was in the anger stages of grief after my college sweetheart died as a result of his addiction. I was annoyed and irritated by people with such petty complaints about their relationships. I couldn’t help but wonder, if they knew their partner would die tomorrow, would this still even be an issue? I was so lost in grief that none of it mattered.

So I took to writing as a way to process my grief, and I channeled that anger into helping women make better relationship choices in a world filled with misogyny and men dating for ego validation rather than love and connection. The rest is kind of history and this blog is kind of an ode to my original now defunct “Dating is a Payne” blog, as well as a revival of that original blog, only this time, I want to write about life beyond relationships and the growing pains of everyday adulting and re-inventing yourself at whatever age or stage of life someone might be in.

When K died, a part of me died with him and I’ve been searching endlessly for a way to get that part of me back. My hope is that by the end of this year-long writing challenge, I’ll be able to find myself again and reclaim my heart’s capacity to love and be loved til death do us part.